When I was young I was the silent happy type, capable of entertaining myself for hours on end, life was an adventure as I would design imaginary worlds, play all the parts, re-enact all the feelings and motives of my cast of characters in my playtime adventures. My Mother was a classic beauty, loving and nurturing, yet of strong will, and focused with high moral values for herself, and her family - she tried to set an example, - yet she was so worldly in the ways of others, with her gay brother, and her own love of R&B, Boogie woogie, Johnny Otis Revue, Fats Domino, Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, Dick Dale, Booker T and the MGs, Motown, Creedence Clearwater Revival, - the music filled our house, and she would beg me to dance with her, and I would find the same joy, as these rhythms imbued in my soul and filled me with the same joy she could not contain. I never understood all the lyrics until much later, but even in my youth i could sense there was the careful knowledge of the flirt and the innuendo of lurking sexual energy there - Tutty Fruity - Oh Rootee - indeed. . Mom. knew how to dress for every occasion. - I was in awe of her ability to transform -and change from gardening apparel, to casual slacks and silk top for grocery shopping, to shiny hi heels, silk stockings and tight silky dresses clinging to her curves, as she went out to dinner with my Dad, while my older brother acted as babysitter - often disciplining me and pinning me down in un wanted wrestling moves - having massive food fights, but like Dr Suess's "Cat in the Hat" - like Thing #1 and Thing #2 - we cleaned it all up before Mom and Dad returned home - totally clueless to the prior turmoil just minutes before. Mom had a terrible temper - which I always tried to avoid being the target at all costs , but she also had a smile to light up any room. and it was apparent not only to me but every other human on earth, her radiant glow. - it made me so proud she was my Mom during PTA meetings - somehow I was always treated much better at school by my teachers after they had met my Mom. . She was a classic Hollywood movie buff, and knew all the trivia of the actors and actresses, and had many many book cases in our house to hold all the biographies of her favorite Hollywood stars, directors, producers, Movie Moguls, crime figures, FBI stories, murder mysteries. It was the early 1960s, and there was always an afternoon 3:30pm movie on TV, old movies from the 1940's, and 1950's, staring Joan Crawford, Gloria Swanson, Lana Turner, Montgomery Cliff, Richard Widmark, Gregory Peck, Humfrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Natalie Wood. Mom would fill me in on all the little side stories of what was actually going on behind the scenes, who was dating who, who had more tragedy, who had more fortune. Other TV favorites were soaps "the Edge of Night", and Queen for a day with the little on screen audience applause meter for best sob story. The Mike Douglass show, and my first exposure to Christine Jorgenson – but that was years later. My brain would process this information, and store up bits and pieces which contributed to my own secret hopes, dreams, desires. I had a fertile imagination, and my mom had huge mirrors in the house, as we would sit together watching the movie, i could not help notice my own inherited angelic facial resemblance to her - this was a gift my brothers lacked. But it was always apparent to me I was not like them. In preschool years I would play at dress up with the daughter of the Ladies Club host. While mom played Bridge or Canasta, the daughter and I would take turns being doctor, nurse, wounded soldier, Romeo, Juliet, Hansel, Gretel, wicked witch, Wizard of Oz, Superman, Lois Lane, Jimmie Olsen, Joan of Arc, Patty Duke, Ginger, Gilligan, Skipper, Marilyn Monroe, all were parts we each played at various times. I had intuition, and knew Mom's bridge club activities were always going to take 2 hours minimum, so we had free rein to pursue our role playing with little disturbance from the adults - as long as we played quietly we were left alone.

It was later in school that I was socialized and indoctrinated into my daily knowledge of my classification as "boy" - as we were told to line up in single file - "girls on the left, boys on the right" - suddenly my worth would be measured, compared, and judged with all the other boys. Suddenly my self esteem was lowered several notches - Inside I knew I had more to offer the world, but I went along with the routine of the social structure of the school - I was not aware I had any other choice in these real world matters - suddenly I became aware a conflict between society at large and my inner spirit in regards to what gender I was, and what society attempted to mold me to be. Since nothing was going to harness my vivid imagination, I became forced to become a day dreamer to survive. Often I would lay down and dream of a world where my alter ego was allowed to thrive, to grow, to be adored, to be loved, to be married, to be a loving wife with a handsome man opening doors for me as I lit up the room - just like mom.

My Dad got a new manager position in a new city and we had to move 400 miles away. I was age 8, and Mom and I bonded even closer as friends, as we both were now cutoff from our old social networks, and had to make a whole new set of friends in the new city. I was an extrovert back then and invited the whole 3rd grade class to my birthday party on new years day. I was never prepared when I had an 80% turn out attendance of new friends. And I was not aware at the time my New Years day birthday party also served as a good babysitter while my classmate's parents recovered from post New Years' Eve party hang overs - or watched countless football games on TV that day.

Each year I would tend to spend my birthdays with my Mom in the kitchen - while my brothers and Dad sat on the couch watching Football. I enjoyed playing sports, but never understood the jungle warrior "beating of chests" that males do while watching them.

Hindsight is 20-20, but at the time i was on my own quest for self exploration. My mom let me play with her stuffed dolls, and I really liked a stuffed Walt Disney Pluto doll - perhaps because unlike "Goofy" - Pluto was highly expressive yet non verbal - I could identify with him, as I was aware of my own inability to openly express my own inner desires in the environment called "my home". One day I noticed a zipper on Pluto's back - and so I unzipped it. Inside was a treasure trove of silk panties and stockings my Mom must have warn when she was a teenage girl. I marveled at their delicate texture and smell of perfume. I had no option at age 8. I closed the door and tried every pair on. There were stockings in all manner of shades, and my legs felt so silky. I carefully folded them like I had watched my mom doing her own laundry, and placed everything back inside Pluto - my newly discovered pandora's box..

At age 10, I was home sick from school with a fever - and watched soap operas with Mom over lunch. I remember seeing a Playtex panty girdle TV commercial, with the latest model on display - looking like a new car at the Detroit auto show - The TV commercial began with a drum roll, curtains opened, and with several strategically placed spotlights, the latest model Playtex pantygirdle was on display on a rotating turntable: "longer, lower, wider, secret tummy Control panels". It was the first time I actually realized- wow, the area between the pantygirdle legs seem very different than my own area down there. My Mom had a prior commitment to attend a ladies club meeting across town that afternoon, so I told her I would be alright - I just had to stay home and rest. But after her car left the driveway, I knew I would be all alone for several hours. I just had to explore my curiosity despite my current health matters. So quite literally, I feverishly invaded all my moms lingerie drawers, and intimate wear. I had to explore my feminine side in an outward fashion – manifest my secret femininity out of my brain and explore the tactile reality of real female behavior while dressing - take it to a higher level than Pluto could provide! I discovered padded bras, and in the bottom drawer - there was the same Playtex pantygirdle i had seen on TV that very morning. - I simply had to try it on! The TV commercial had sold me! An hour later struggling to get everything on, I was thrilled that in the mirror I suddenly saw myself looking just like a young girl in in the lingerie section. of the big JC Penney's catalog - I found it, opened it to the middle section, and found a cloth tape measure. I wanted my female measurements. in bra, waist cincher and girdle I was a size 7 - same as Mom. Next I found some stockings, and garter belt, There was an open toed set of high heels I could get my feet into. I discovered how difficult it was to walk in these, but I also discovered the heels helped push out my butt, and gave me curves I never knew existed before. Due to the girdle keeping everything down there held up tightly inside, I actually enjoyed walking and strutting, sashaying like a female with nothing between my legs - I discovered I could stand and walk with that classic girlish posture, and girlish swing to my hips, and slight jiggle of my butt. I found Mom's stretch casual slacks, and silky top, and a wig she had in the bathroom. I put on a dash of Mascara and lipstick, and cheek blusher, and combed the wig below my eyebrows. I stood back and looked in the big mirror.

What I saw took my breath away. Rather like Katie Winters from the “Ice blue Secret” TV deodorant ads – I felt “Cool Calm, Collected'. For the first time in my life I felt empowered, and Good about myself, and finally closer to feeling tranquil about who I am, and who I could become. My world as a woman was within my grasp..

Over they years I would become very skilled in transforming myself into my female ego- in the early days I had no idea where it would lead, but at the time I inherently knew I was doing this "hobby" for a necessary purpose, as if I just knew these skills at beauty would be something very necessary and big in my future.

But back to me age 11, at the time, my older 6 foot 3” brother became very involved in High School basketball - and my Dad wanted to attend all his games. I made my lack of interest clearly known, so I was allowed to stay home while my family all attended his after school basketball games – so every Thursday and Friday my Family without me would be away between 3:45pm and 7:00pm.

They would return just in time for Batman.

Imagine this scenario - I was sitting there with my family, eating dinner, in 12 year old boy mode watching ABC and the latest installment of Batman with my family - with all eyes on the the very tall and beautiful Julie Newmar as “Catwoman” on TV - in her heels she was 4 inches taller than Batman! - yet there was no denying she was all woman!

Only I would know that just 30 minutes prior, before everyone got home - I was myself upstairs in front of my Mom’s mirrors, very inspired by Miss Newmar perfecting and cultivating my own reflection of my possible existence in the world as the woman I wanted to become just like Julie Newmar. .

So Julie Newmar became my favorite “villianess” on the show – while Eartha Kit's Catwoman had a catty attitude and “hiss” - Julie Newmar just had it all, she became my own standard role model for how to be a tall gorgeous woman who men looked up to and enjoyed her statuesque presence.

I also vividly recall her appearance on a prior TV show - “My Living Doll” where Julie Newmar played a robotic woman – created by a lonely scientist engineer. She was an amazing actress, she had the required robotic “detached “ quality while playing that role – yet she was was so amazing -she truly inspired my imagination - which is a powerful force which propels me today.

She opened up my eyes to a whole world that awaited for me - Despite the social structures of the time telling me it was impossible – Julie Newmar inspired me to embark on my dreams. I accepted much later in life that our dreams are real and valid, and are close at hand, and like Dorothy's desires in the Wizard of Oz - always within our own grasp if we do the work to apply all effort to manifest them into reality.

Thank you Ms. Newmar!

. and Mom (smooch!)

I send my love to you both for what you have taught me.

Diane Kramer.